Hi Kate,

I'm sorry no one answered right away - we mostly hang out in the chat section.

You have to start by telling your mom that you know it has gotten messy and that's ok. Promise not to throw anything out. Anything. At all. Say you are just going to wipe down some of the surfaces for her and that if SHE has anything she wants to throw out, you will take it out for her. But don't push. Honestly, on the first day it is a success if you just get in the front door and clean anything.

Bring your own cleaning supplies - rags, a spray bottle for surfaces, a broom, dustpan and brush, a jug of water and a bucket and some soap.

The first day you should probably find yourself saying things that feel insane, like "mom, I would like to spray off this little section of the counter and wipe it. Is there somewhere I can put this banana peel while I do that?" "Is it ok if I take these dishes out to my bucket and wash them for you? I'll bring them right back."

Try to make sure there is a clear path from her bed to any door. If there is, ask if you can sweep it. If you sweep up anything like receipts or paperclips or even candy wrappers, ASK her if she wants you to throw them away/recycle them or put them somewhere. And then do that. You need to start by building trust.

And focus as much as you possibly can on the positive. Keep telling her how glad you are that she let you in and how nice it is just to spend time with her and feel like you can make things a little nicer for her. Compliment anything that is good, even if it is tiny. "I'm glad you let me move that box away from the door. I feel like you are safer now." "This (object) is really pretty! can I dust it off so we can see it better?" But be honest. Don't make stuff up.

If she says anything negative like "this place is such a mess." It's ok to agree with her, but softpedal it. Say something like "well, it's been hard for you to keep up with, but I'm here to help now, so we're going to make it better." Like if you have a friend who has gained a lot of weight and she says "I'm so fat." You wouldn't say "you sure are." You might say "well, it's hard to find time to exercise with all we have going on. I could use to be more active myself. Do you want to go for a walk instead of getting coffee next week." Or something.

And keep the first visit short. If she lets you clean for half an hour, that's great!

Also if you have genuine safety concerns. Don't bring them up at the house. Try to take her somewhere she is relaxed and comfortable and say "hey, I noticed this, and I'm worried about it because. and I love you. Can we make a plan for how I can (eliminate that safety hazard example: clear off the stove) for you? How would you like me to do that? Ok, can we do that tomorrow, or would Thursday be better for you? I'd like to get it done as soon as possible so I know you are safe." And try to address only one or two things at a time.

You are giving her control and you are listening to her.

Hello. I am new here. My mother is 83 years old. She is going blind. Her house has been cluttered for years and I stopped going to visit her because of it as all my attempts to help were met with opposition and we would just end up in fights. Instead, she would visit my house. Now that vision problems are developing, I have been going to pick her up. When I get to her house, she will not let me inside, but last week I got a glimpse inside. I fear she is living in dangerously filthy conditions, as in not just clutter, but actual filth. When I saw this, I told her I would be coming tomorrow to help her and that I would start by cleaning her kitchen for her. I was very supportive, I told her I loved her and she was not in this alone. Today she called me and told me I couldn't come tomorrow because she isn't feeling well. I said that's no bother because she can rest and I will do all the work. She made excuse after excuse and finally told me the sink is clogged so I can't even clean anyway. The paint is peeling and hanging in foot long pieces from the ceiling and the shower is also broken and my mother claims she just takes baths instead. Lately when she visits I have noticed an odor to her and the house certainly smelled when I caught a glimpse last week. I am beside myself and have no idea how to begin helping her. I need help. How and where do I start in this process?

I am so sorry you and your mom are going through this. I know your heart is in the right place. Your mother's head is stuck in the clutter, I'm afraid. What can I do to support you?

My mom has a severe hoarding problem that Worsens by the day. I tried talking to her today and she took everything that I said as an attack. All I am doing is trying to get her help and a clean home to live in.

This is so hard. It was like I couldn't get her to understand.